Since I was a little kid, it was obvious to me that I wanted to spend my life being creative. First, I learned to play the flute. Then the piano and then the guitar. My favourite class was the arts class where we got down and dirty even though I didn’t have any extraordinary painting skills. I would lose myself everytime I watched a movie. For many years, I wanted to be an actress. The idea of experiencing things that I could not in my own life was fascinating to me. Fitting in several lifes in just one.
Though as I grew up, things started to change. First I doubted my talent and my looks. In my first acting class I’ve been to in college, even though the teacher believed in me, I could not let loose. This made me doubt myself even more.
I was already studying Media & Communications at that time and I started to meet other creative outlets. I’ve learned how to use the camera, how to edit footage and how to write. And I loved doing every single one of them. But I never felt like I was particularly good at any of them.
In one of my favourite Woody Allen films “Vicky Christina Barcelone”, when Scarlett Johansson’s character is talking about her failure to create, she says “I just have to come face-to-face with the fact that I am not gifted. I can appreciate art and I love music. But it is really sad, really, because I feel like I have a lot to express and I am not gifted.” This explains how I feel most of the time.
Many creative people seem to pick up their field at a young age and grow with it. I ,on the other hand, have no clue about which way I want to express myself. I feel creative and my mind fills up with ideas from time to time. But I mostly don’t know how to realize them.
It is hard for me to feel confident and decisive about one outlet and move along. I have too many doubts and I fear making the wrong decisions. Hopefully with more time and experience, I will figure out something that I both enjoy and that I’m good at. But until then I will try to enjoy the process and do not get frustrated.
Meanwhile I would love to know in the comments if you have similar problems or if you had any in the past how did you move past it.